159: Choose Your Own Reminder
Two years ago, almost to the day, I officially started my spiritual direction practice. Two years before that, I started my spiritual direction training; the program was very hands on and allowed me the opportunity to actually start meeting with people and assume a spiritual director role while learning along the way. So, that means that both in training and through my official practice, I’ve been stepping into the role of spiritual director, in some capacity, for four years. And I’ve been experiencing spiritual direction myself for six.
Now, let me just acknowledge, there are so many seasoned spiritual directors out there who have been practicing for much longer. I’m grateful for the wisdom they offer and the role they play in my own continued learning and experience.
And, four years still feels like something. It has been a true joy and honor to accompany many different people as they explore their inner life and consider what God might be up to within it. And one of the neatest gifts I’ve noticed while doing this work—one I really didn’t expect— is this: as I bear witness to what God is up to in another’s life, I often find God is also up to something in mine.
The skills I am trained in often carry over into my regular, day-to-day life. The spiritual direction practice, then, becomes a lived-in posture. And four years in, I am beginning to see the ways that posture is taking shape and catching hold. All of it is ongoing; all of it is grace.
And so today, as I continue to develop that lived-in posture, I thought I’d share a small handful of the little reminders contributing to it; little tidbits I’ve returned to often the last four years, both as a spiritual director and as a person. You might resonate with all of them or none of them or maybe one or two. The invitation here is simply to take what you need {as author Aundi Kolber might say}. It’s a Choose-Your-Own-Reminder episode, if you will :)
So, let’s get to it. In no particular order, here are five reminders for life inspired by the ministry of spiritual direction:
First, let the silence be enough. One component of spiritual direction that often takes some getting used to is the slower pace of conversation and the generous space it allows for silence.
Usually I approach silence as a blank slate meant to be filled; it’s often something I resist. Silence is awkward, sometimes scary, and can feel like a waste. It certainly doesn’t feel like enough. And yet, that was one of the very first words of wisdom we received in training: let the silence be enough. Sure enough, as I have continued to heed that guidance, time and time again, I find that silence provides opportunity for the deepest kind of listening, the truest kind of noticing, the purest kind of paying attention.
So I’ve learned to take a beat. To not jump in right away. To hold space for silence. Both in a spiritual direction session and in my everyday life. I often find that when I take a deep breath and embrace the silence, it’s just what I need and then some—more than enough.
Second, my voice matters. This might seem counter to the silence I just named, but in my own life and practice, I’m discovering the ways in which the two need to hold hands.
Speaking up is not really my default. Most of the time, I feel most settled when I actively listen, lay low, and let others do the talking. That lends itself to the ministry of spiritual direction for sure. But one thing my supervisor has helped me work through is discerning if and when to speak. Because if I am listening and paying attention, chances are eventually, there will be something for me to say. It might be a question, a brief comment, a naming of something I notice. And I am learning that, both in life and spiritual direction, there is a place for my voice; my voice can add value; my voice matters.
Does this mean I share anything and everything that comes to mind? Of course not. It’s important for me to be mindful and aware of my motivations. But as I continue to lean in and discern the ways in which God prompts and nudges me, both in a session and in life, I find there are some things worth saying.
Third, I am not in control. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: in the context of spiritual direction, the title of “director” can be unintentionally misleading. Typically, a director is in charge. They have an agenda; they set goals; they plan and strategize. Others might look to them for advice or answers or a to-do list. A director usually takes the lead and is expected to be in control.
While I certainly do have agency and responsibility, and while I will sometimes provide gentle guidance {especially if someone is brand new to spiritual direction}, my main responsibility as a spiritual director is to listen alongside and follow the lead of others—both the person I’m sitting with and ultimately, the Holy Spirit. The directing I’m meant to do is directing attention toward what God might be up to.
My job is not to manufacture meaning or force threads into nice, tidy bows. Yes, I have a responsibility to listen and offer my full presence and attention. But the ultimate outcome is not mine to control. Which is very good news. That means I can show up to a session with a flexible, open spirit, ready for the gentle twists and turns of the movement of God. I find that same flexibility and openness is slowly making it’s way into my day-to-day life. And let me tell you, it is making all the difference.
How so? Well, that leads to the fourth reminder: I can loosen my grip. If I am not in control {which I’m not}, then I do not need to hold on so tightly. If I truly believe God is at work {which I do} then I can trust God to accomplish the fullness of that work while I play a small part in it.
Ultimately, I find this comes down to right-sizing the work I do. For instance, in spiritual direction, I usually meet with a person for one hour, once a month. If you’re counting, that’s one hour out of about 730. While that hour can certainly be significant, it is one hour. Does it matter? Absolutely. Is it the end all be all? Not at all. Each person is held by God every hour, whether I’m a part of it or not.
It’s true in spiritual direction and it’s true in life. Whether it’s a person, a regret or an outcome, when I loosen my grip, right-size and release, I can experience the peace I need to continue stewarding the gifts and responsibilities I’ve been given—gifts and responsibilities that require care, but not ultimate control.
The fifth and final reminder for now is this: trust in the slow work of God. Our God is not a God of the quick fix, but of faithful process. Which means I cannot usually tell what God is up to in an instant; it takes awhile. I think of the people I’ve met with for two years now. The difference between who they were in their fourth spiritual direction session compared to who they are as they approach session 24 now? It’s incredible. And to get to bear witness to that—it’s just the neatest.
Of course, God’s work is slow in my own life, too. Day in and day out, with God’s help, I continue to let the silence be enough, use my voice, remember I’m not in control, loosen my grip, and trust in that slow work of God, as best I can. And over time—slowly, steadily, subtly—I find and trust I am being shaped for the better.
So, what about you? Today, feel free to choose your own reminder. To remember and take what you need, so that, together, we can continue to become the people God calls and invites us to be.